The day of our wedding party was a day to remember. The small dinner we had planned for family and friends went beautifully, although it turned into a much larger dinner than I had anticipated, and we were quite generously gifted by all those in attendance. The children played happily in the confetti as our parents blessed us, and people started to hug and kiss us goodbye.
I had no plans for a honeymoon. Second marriage for both of us, two kids in toe, I had never dreamed that we would be doing anything but perhaps spending one night in a hotel close to home, and then getting back to our normal lives.
So when A booked us for the weekend in a local upscale hotel, with a jacuzzi room and all the trimmings, I was delighted. When I spent two days of pure elegance and ecstacy there, only to come home and find the kids packed and ready for my "suprise", I was confused.
A took us for a week to the Hilton Waikoloa Village Resort in none other than Hawaii. :) It's a fabulous place that is completely kid friendly, yet still holds that romantic honeymoon quality for after they fall asleep. We all had a blast. The kids swam with dolphins and got to take pictures underwater, I got to spend hours in the spa and go snorkeling, and we all went to a luau. I don't even want to know how much money he spent on it, but it was one of the best experiences I've ever had!
Reaching the airport, and all the snow and ice, was a reminder that normalcy will set in sooner or later. Son goes back to school on Monday, and daughter is scheduled for a surgery next week, so my honeymoon is officially over.
I doubt A will let me feel it though. I have to say it. He's amazing. We fit perfectly. After some cold feet and akward jitters, we fell into intimacy as though our bodies were made for each other. He pushes me at all the right times, and to all the right places, and I feel fufilled and feminine for the first time in far too long. We have taken to our roles with each other naturally and happily, and so far it's complete bliss.
2010 is going to be a wonderful year. :)
Friday, January 1, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
Today...
You know, a friend said to me once, that everytime you wake up in the morning and say to yourself that today is the first day of the rest of your life, you're right. That hits home today.
For the last two days I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, doing a million different things, and going a million different places, all leading to 6pm tonight.
I haven't been here, because since my last post I have dealt with two sick children, a fire in my building, an aunt dying, a car , and identity theft. w00t! Gotta love stress, eh?
Well everything is fine now, (knocks on wood), but I am covered in goosebumps, and my head is spinning, and in 8 short hours, I'm going to be a wife again.
There are no words.
For the last two days I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off, doing a million different things, and going a million different places, all leading to 6pm tonight.
I haven't been here, because since my last post I have dealt with two sick children, a fire in my building, an aunt dying, a car , and identity theft. w00t! Gotta love stress, eh?
Well everything is fine now, (knocks on wood), but I am covered in goosebumps, and my head is spinning, and in 8 short hours, I'm going to be a wife again.
There are no words.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Self Control
With the signing of our marriage certificate, came the issue of self control. Before our engagement ceremony, we had the idea that if we were intimate we would be doing something against God on our side, but now that we are religiously married, and for all intents and purposes, perfectly able to mate like rabbits, self control has become something of a daily battle.
As well as being able to dress as I like around A, and show my hair, having the opportunity to be more physical as far as kissing, hugging, and sleeping together (actual sleeping, fully clothed), has begun to take it's toll on not only poor A's resolve, but my own as well.
We aren't teenagers anymore, but when you're forced to act like teenagers, you start to feel like them. One more two hour kissing session, and I'm going to explode, lol. A has had to excuse himself hastily at least once every day since our engagement, coming back after a while, citing the fact that he feared he would make love to me if he didn't walk away as an excuse.
It's become such an issue as a matter of fact, that we've moved up our wedding dinner from January 8th, until December 18th. We're telling people it's cause some of A's family couldn't make it after the first of the year, which is true, but not at all the reason we moved it up.
After everything we've both been through, I don't feel guilty. I think that we want to get started with our lives as soon as possible. That, and we're both foaming at the mouth at the thought of intimacy at this point, lol. Foreplay isn't supposed to last for months, haha.
As well as being able to dress as I like around A, and show my hair, having the opportunity to be more physical as far as kissing, hugging, and sleeping together (actual sleeping, fully clothed), has begun to take it's toll on not only poor A's resolve, but my own as well.
We aren't teenagers anymore, but when you're forced to act like teenagers, you start to feel like them. One more two hour kissing session, and I'm going to explode, lol. A has had to excuse himself hastily at least once every day since our engagement, coming back after a while, citing the fact that he feared he would make love to me if he didn't walk away as an excuse.
It's become such an issue as a matter of fact, that we've moved up our wedding dinner from January 8th, until December 18th. We're telling people it's cause some of A's family couldn't make it after the first of the year, which is true, but not at all the reason we moved it up.
After everything we've both been through, I don't feel guilty. I think that we want to get started with our lives as soon as possible. That, and we're both foaming at the mouth at the thought of intimacy at this point, lol. Foreplay isn't supposed to last for months, haha.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It's OFFICIAL :)
This is a photo of my engagement ring from the jewelers website. He picked it out all by himself. *floaty hearts*
I'm sitting alone at my parents house now, without him, since everyone shoo'd him out, as is tradition. We're not technically married YET.
There was tons of food, lots of people, quite a few tears, bundles of laughter, and I must admit, some stolen kisses. Over all, everything was wonderful. 80 million pictures later, most everyone has gone home, except a few of my parents friends, and I'm hiding so people can stop teasing me about my blushing face.
He got my son and daughter bracelets, and put them on them during the engagement ceremony, just like he put on my ring. He promised them to love and care for them, and to always respect their place in our home, and to always love me. I couldn't ask for a better man.
PS.... He loves my hair, lol.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tomorrow... **
Tomorrow is our engagement. A wanted me to write about my feelings surrounding our impending joining, just as I thought he would, but hoped inwardly he wouldn't. I'm a mess to be honest. Because I know what he means when he asks about my feelings...
Some of you might not understand what I mean when I say "engagement". It's not quite the same for us. We don't just put a ring on the girls finger and hug. Our engagement includes the actual signing of the marriage document. We'll actually be married, for all religious rights and purposes, we're just not supposed to consummate the marriage until after the wedding party.
Short of consummation however... A will have free reign to pretty much do and see as he pleases. This is both tantalizing and terrifying. For more than a few reasons, but not the least of which is that A has yet to see my hair. He's tried every which way to get me to show him, and I'm acually kinda proud of myself for my strength thus far. He asks about it all the time, and begs to see it, and nearly fainted when I said I'd trimmed it, so I am very nervous if it will be up to his standards.
I know, it's a stupid fear. A laughs at me all the time about how I worry that I'm too fat, or ugly for him, and that when he marries me, he'll leave me cause I'm not beautiful enough clothes off. He just snickers and says, "when you're naked in front of me, if I don't like what I see, I'll tell you what to change. simple as that." Men! Hmph!
A asked me today if after our engagement, I would finally be able to kiss him. Yes, we've kissed. He's kissed me, and I kissed back. But I have yet to plant my lips on his deliberately, and first. I don't know if I can or not. I wasn't aware he wanted me to. I have thought of kissing him, and wanted to, but never imagined doing so. Perhaps it's something to think about.
A also says that starting tomorrow night, I will have to be completely honest with him about any...um... self gratification, although he says he won't take control of it until after the consummation of the marriage. LOLLLL. He thinks I'm hiding something from him because I keep telling him that I haven't done any self gratifying. I actually haven't, but I think it's cute that he thinks so. I wonder if that means he should start being honest with me about it too. LOL.
To my sweet friends, my blogger family, my darling sisters who are more aware of the most innerparts of my soul than most of my real life friends could ever wish to be, please, tomorrow, in whichever language or form that you must, please pray for us, for me. Please send your kind thoughts and happy blessings our way... You will be so very appreciated.
Some of you might not understand what I mean when I say "engagement". It's not quite the same for us. We don't just put a ring on the girls finger and hug. Our engagement includes the actual signing of the marriage document. We'll actually be married, for all religious rights and purposes, we're just not supposed to consummate the marriage until after the wedding party.
Short of consummation however... A will have free reign to pretty much do and see as he pleases. This is both tantalizing and terrifying. For more than a few reasons, but not the least of which is that A has yet to see my hair. He's tried every which way to get me to show him, and I'm acually kinda proud of myself for my strength thus far. He asks about it all the time, and begs to see it, and nearly fainted when I said I'd trimmed it, so I am very nervous if it will be up to his standards.
I know, it's a stupid fear. A laughs at me all the time about how I worry that I'm too fat, or ugly for him, and that when he marries me, he'll leave me cause I'm not beautiful enough clothes off. He just snickers and says, "when you're naked in front of me, if I don't like what I see, I'll tell you what to change. simple as that." Men! Hmph!
A asked me today if after our engagement, I would finally be able to kiss him. Yes, we've kissed. He's kissed me, and I kissed back. But I have yet to plant my lips on his deliberately, and first. I don't know if I can or not. I wasn't aware he wanted me to. I have thought of kissing him, and wanted to, but never imagined doing so. Perhaps it's something to think about.
A also says that starting tomorrow night, I will have to be completely honest with him about any...um... self gratification, although he says he won't take control of it until after the consummation of the marriage. LOLLLL. He thinks I'm hiding something from him because I keep telling him that I haven't done any self gratifying. I actually haven't, but I think it's cute that he thinks so. I wonder if that means he should start being honest with me about it too. LOL.
To my sweet friends, my blogger family, my darling sisters who are more aware of the most innerparts of my soul than most of my real life friends could ever wish to be, please, tomorrow, in whichever language or form that you must, please pray for us, for me. Please send your kind thoughts and happy blessings our way... You will be so very appreciated.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Three little words...
I haven't said I love you yet. This bothers A, I'm sure, yet he has not said a word about it. He's being patient and understanding about so many things, given my situation, and is trying to give me space and time to adjust, which I'm so grateful for, but I think it's weighing on him.
I can't explain why I haven't said I love you yet. I've tried to analyze it, and I can't. The words just won't come out. A says he loves me, and I often say, "I know", or "you show me all the time". When he asks me if I love him, I say yes. I just can't seem to say the three little words.
Well yesterday, I came to a crashing realization that it's actually painful to him. He and my son were headed to the store to buy milk and I yelled out to my son "I love you!".
A turned around with a look I'd never seen, and what seemed to be all the strength in his body stopping him from running to bundle me in his arms at that moment, when my son said "I love you too Mommy!"
The look on his face when he realized my words weren't directed at him was reminiscent of a volcano exploding. Every minute semblence of a smile had disappeared and a deep sadness took over his eyes. It was as though an invisible anvil had dropped on his shoulders, and he looked physically shaken.
Once home he cornered me into a room and kissed me in a way he hadn't yet. We are a religious couple, so our physical contact has remained to a bare minimum. But this kiss, it was an "I'm going to make love to you right now, and then you'll have no choice but to show me your feelings, cause I own you, and the only reason I'm not stripping you right here is cause your parents and kids are in the next room" kinda kiss.
He had to literally hold me up for a moment, so I could get my equilibrium back before letting me go, and the look in his eyes was of complete need. Not so much sexual need, but as though he was searching into my soul for confirmation that I did love him. And I do. Deeply. I just wish I could say it.
He must have found what he wanted in my eyes, or at least found something to keep him satisfied for the moment, because he kissed my forehead, straightened my scarf, and sent me in the kitchen.
The rest of the day went on as planned, but there was a sadness about A. Even my family noticed, but he brushed it off, saying he had a headache. When I saw him in the bathroom taking two Advil is when I realized that he actually had a headache. Cause of me.
Ugh, I hate being torn. Torn is a crappy feeling. I feel that alot actually, and not always in a bad way, but it still sucks. I love A, I just don't know how to say it or why I can't. I speak more languages than enough to be able to say anything I want to say, several times over... I just can't seem to push this one past the lips.
Did anyone else have trouble saying the three little words to a new husband/boyfriend/master? For how long? Why? Any advice?
I can't explain why I haven't said I love you yet. I've tried to analyze it, and I can't. The words just won't come out. A says he loves me, and I often say, "I know", or "you show me all the time". When he asks me if I love him, I say yes. I just can't seem to say the three little words.
Well yesterday, I came to a crashing realization that it's actually painful to him. He and my son were headed to the store to buy milk and I yelled out to my son "I love you!".
A turned around with a look I'd never seen, and what seemed to be all the strength in his body stopping him from running to bundle me in his arms at that moment, when my son said "I love you too Mommy!"
The look on his face when he realized my words weren't directed at him was reminiscent of a volcano exploding. Every minute semblence of a smile had disappeared and a deep sadness took over his eyes. It was as though an invisible anvil had dropped on his shoulders, and he looked physically shaken.
Once home he cornered me into a room and kissed me in a way he hadn't yet. We are a religious couple, so our physical contact has remained to a bare minimum. But this kiss, it was an "I'm going to make love to you right now, and then you'll have no choice but to show me your feelings, cause I own you, and the only reason I'm not stripping you right here is cause your parents and kids are in the next room" kinda kiss.
He had to literally hold me up for a moment, so I could get my equilibrium back before letting me go, and the look in his eyes was of complete need. Not so much sexual need, but as though he was searching into my soul for confirmation that I did love him. And I do. Deeply. I just wish I could say it.
He must have found what he wanted in my eyes, or at least found something to keep him satisfied for the moment, because he kissed my forehead, straightened my scarf, and sent me in the kitchen.
The rest of the day went on as planned, but there was a sadness about A. Even my family noticed, but he brushed it off, saying he had a headache. When I saw him in the bathroom taking two Advil is when I realized that he actually had a headache. Cause of me.
Ugh, I hate being torn. Torn is a crappy feeling. I feel that alot actually, and not always in a bad way, but it still sucks. I love A, I just don't know how to say it or why I can't. I speak more languages than enough to be able to say anything I want to say, several times over... I just can't seem to push this one past the lips.
Did anyone else have trouble saying the three little words to a new husband/boyfriend/master? For how long? Why? Any advice?
Friday, November 20, 2009
Yeah, I'm a dork.
I had to make a little girlish admittance here... I dragged A to go see New Moon from the Twilight Saga at Midnight last night, and it was AWESOME! I loved it, and A liked it too! We saw Twilight on the big screen first (his first time, lol) then went for coffee for a half an hour, and came back to see New Moon. It was hours upon hours of fun and holding hands and about the only bad part was all the swooning teenage girls asking to take a picture with A, cause he looks like Jacob. Yes people, He looks JUST LIKE Jacob, just an older version. Besides the few gray hairs he can easily hide with a hair brush, he's spitting image. It was actually kinda funny, this little girl who was like 9 or something ran up to him and hugged him screaming "JACOBBBBB!" My sweet A didn't miss a beat, and scooped her up and said, "Hey! You came to see my movie? You having fun?" It was adorable.
I never imagined I could be this carefree and happy again. I'm so in love.
I never imagined I could be this carefree and happy again. I'm so in love.
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